Ganesha, the creator & remover of obstacles. |
I've been thinking a lot about pain in relation to my ashtanga practice because, well, lately I've been experiencing pain that has resurfaced from an old shoulder injury. A few years ago, I had a complete tear in the labrum and partial tears in some of the ligaments that hold the shoulder together. I tried to rehab it for half a year with alternative methods like herbs and acupuncture and some ass kicking medieval torture physical therapy, and then went ahead and opted for the surgery my orthopedic specialist recommended from the get go. He said there was no way to heal a complete tear like that with the level of edema I had, the labrum would not reattach to itself. So, after a very painful surgery, I had a long road of recovery which left me completely immobilized for 2 months, followed by more than a year of intense, brutal rehab. It sucked. Big time. I got really depressed during that time of my life. I couldn't wash my own hair, or dress myself, or pull my pants up after I peed, or drive my car (stick shift), much less continue my tai chi practice which I was really in love with and totally committed to. I gained a bunch of weight, having gone from very active and happy in my life to completely laid up and totally depressed. I was on lots of narcotic painkillers, which definitely didn't help my mental state even though they helped with the physical pain. Those were some very dark days that I'd prefer not to think about. I've come so far since then through a lot of persistent, deep, hard work on every aspect of myself. I've put in a metric ton of sweat and tears to be the healthy, active, joyful, and contented person I am today. There really is no substitute for sweat.
Screaming Artist, lithograph by Fritz Scholder |
And so I noticed something peculiar these last few days when my shoulder started acting up. My temper started acting up too. I was getting frustrated and angry very easily, for no particular reason really, and I was reminded very quickly how closely physical pain and emotional pain are tied together. Pain is an interesting thing, even when acutely physical, it can have an even greater impact emotionally and spiritually. I don't really mind a certain degree of physical pain, I've got a pretty good tolerance to it up to a certain threshold. But all the attendant repercussions, or perceived repercussions, of it are where the challenges really lie. The fear, the dependence on others, the asking for help, the cutting back or total elimination of activities I love, the feelings of weakness and vulnerability, feelings of failure, of not being good or strong or mindful enough. All that stuff is totally bogus when you really take a good long look at it, but these things like to come up and rear their ugly heads when you're down and out. Funny, that... Just remember to enjoy a nice cathartic scream every once in a while...
So where does this leave me with my practice? On the one hand, I don't want to unquestioningly submit to the fear that I could re-injure myself and use that as justification to let myself off the hook in moments when I can push through and get to something deeper. Pain can be an opportunity, a key, a doorway, and by confronting it and walking through it, it can lead me to places I've never dreamed of, in really awesome, empowering ways. Where there is fear, there is power, and confronting pain and working with it can lead to all new, previously inaccessible, feelings of wholeness and health, strength and focus. On the other hand, I really-seriously-for-real don't want to f'in re-injure myself and compromise a happy, healthy, strong body and mind ready for the intensity of daily practice in Mysore in just six weeks!
So, I just acknowledged to myself all this emotional stuff as it was triggered by the shoulder pain, patted myself on the head, and said, "you'll be ok, this is probably just old stuff purging itself and not indicative of a new injury." And then I decided to give myself an extra rest day on Monday, which was the day after it started hurting. I was feeling hungry and weak in general that day too (three weeks into my fast) and with my shoulder aching, I decided not to push myself, to just simply rest, peacefully, with no affliction or conflict about my decision. I picked my practice back up on Tuesday and managed it with just a few minor modifications... not even trying to bind marichyasana d, and taking it easy in all the chaturangas. That night my shoulder was aching again. It felt dislocated and had a sharp soreness in the joint and behind my shoulder blade. I had restless sleep that night and called my chiropractor first thing on Wednesday. She popped me all back into place, and I went ahead to the new Mysore class I mentioned in my blog last week. I decided to just be easy on myself, to just enjoy my practice wherever it is and not to push too hard. And you know what? I had an awesome practice, I felt more present in each asana, deepening my relationship to my breath and movement. My heart felt more open, and practice felt very sweet in a new way. I simply felt an openness and gratitude and joy to be there, to be practicing. And I didn't even modify all that much, other than doing girly chaturanga (with knees down) and skipping the shoulder stand asanas in the closing sequence. And I feel okay. The shoulder may take some time to come back around and join the party. I may not be able to push as far as I want with my upper body strength just yet, and that's okay. There is plenty of room to grow within the practice in other ways, and I am open and look forward to those opportunities.
And so I am learning something very important. Pain in and of itself is not a bad thing. It is a teacher, and it is a healer. I'm not going to ever say, "I'm in pain, no practice today," because that will not serve me. I will listen to my body, and if I am legitimately injured, I will recognize that and take time to heal. But there is no reason to turn away from practice altogether. It's all about finding the intelligent edge and backing off just a bit when necessary. Pain is an opportunity, so instead of asking myself if I should practice, I will ask, "how can this pain guide me today into a deeper understanding of myself and my practice, how may it be of service?" And I will follow it to wherever it leads me, and I will revel in what I find there. Pain is a guru. It is a key. A doorway. Walk through...
Novantatre, from the Me + You series by Laura Lea Nalle |
Pain is a treasure,
for it contains mercies.
The kernel is soft
The kernel is soft
when the rind is scraped off.
Oh brother,
Oh brother,
the place of darkness and cold
is the fountain of life
is the fountain of life
in the cup of ecstasy.
So also is endurance of pain
So also is endurance of pain
and sickness and disease.
For from abasement
For from abasement
proceeds exultation.
The spring seasons are
The spring seasons are
hidden in the autumns.
And the autumns
And the autumns
are charged with springs.
~Rumi